Our Journey Living In Nature – Part 21, Section 2 – Winter Camp

December 1, 2018 – Saturday

It is 32 deg. So far the tent has performed well. I am glad I got the larger tent for the comfort and space it provides to us for the long winter. Originally I thought it was an over kill for the size. But if is perfect. I think the boys are enjoying it as well. It will be the only time we will use this tent unless we do another such winter camp. After this, I don’t have any ideas where we will be heading after this, or for how long? The boys have not put any more tears in the tent, just the small one at our back door screen. The wood stove is working well, but I am getting heat loss by keeping both door screens open, and the window screens open. I do that so the boys don’t get over heated, and being able to enjoy the views of nature outside. A little cold doesn’t hurt. We are getting a little condensation in the tent. It always seems colder in the tent then outside. I will have to check to see the difference between the inside temperature and the outside temperature some day?

For some reason I was feeling a little anxious this morning, but soon this feeling cleared up once I got up and outside.

Jeff just returned from visiting family in Las Vegas. It was peaceful here while he was gone. Maybe that is why I feel anxious. There is some tension between us. There are good days and bad days depending on Jeff’s mood in the moment. I try to focus on kindness with him, but it can be a challenge.

The sun is peeking through the fog. I will grab my -40 deg sleeping bag from the trailer and have it handy in the tent if I need it. We are suppose to get colder temperatures this week, and possibly for the following week.

It is nice having a live electrical connection to the tent for charging. That is always a problem while camping on the road. I have solar chargers with us, but they can’t always be used due to the lack of solar access.

Today I will chop wood, clean the stove, and clean the spark arrestor. My friend from Hawaii sent me a new DVD player and batteries. My sister also sent me a large package of batteries as well. I use a lot of battery power.

December 4, 2018 – Tuesday

We experienced our coldest day yet at 20 deg. We have a sunny day today.

I am experiencing more anxiety at night, and in the early mornings, making the nights very unpleasant. Once I am up and around, I am fine. During our walks, I say mantras to empower me, and that seems to help as well.

One mantra is:

I feel strong

I feel empowered

I feel unlimited

I feel confident in all that I do

I feel unstoppable

I feel fearless

December 5, 2018 – Wednesday

I woke up to 16 degrees inside the tent with frost on the inside roof surface. It felt like I was sleeping inside an ice box. I didn’t mind, it is part of the experience. I am sure the boys love it. I will have to tweak my ventilation a bit inside the tent. The Sun was shining, and I can feel the warmth of the Sun coming through the tent a bit.

Outside the ground was covered in frost with millions of ice crystals shimmering like diamonds against the reflection from the Sun. It was a magical sight to behold. We had no wind, and if dressed properly, it didn’t feel that cold outside. It is all about experiencing nature to her fullest, and in all of her seasons. This is why I am doing this. It is all about gaining a deep relationship with nature. Feeling her in one’s very soul of being, through silence, in seeing and listening quietly.

Today we went to the library to upload some photos (lots of photos), and my laptop took time to boot up because it was so cold. I was at the library for about an hour to a hour and a half with no luck kick starting my laptop. So we left. I left the laptop at Jeff’s place over night to see if that would help?

I was playing around with the ventilation of the tent. The tent does have fixed ventilation openings, but I will playing around with the ventilation, closing things up at night, or adjusting the openings.

It is nice having that wood stove for heat. Most of the condensation is coming from me and the boys. The other end of the tent gets very little or none.

December 6, 2018 – Thursday

We still got freezing condensation inside the tent this morning. More adjusting of ventilation is required.

We got up at 7:10 am. Once I was up I adjusted to the cold, and once we were outside, I knew it would feel more comfortable. That is, as long as we didn’t get any wind. Most of the time we didn’t have any issues with the wind. Yet!

The thermometer read 9 degrees this morning. And being outside it felt warmer than being inside the tent. The condensation plays a big factor in this. The worst part was always getting out of the sleeping bag to get dressed. It was mighty cold. When I thought about doing a winter camp in Idaho, I wasn’t too concerned with the cold since I dealt with much colder weather in the high country of Colorado at 9,000 plus elevations while working outside all day at the ski area at Mary Jane Ski Area, that was part of the Winter Park Ski Area, for the whole winter. The town of Winter Park is one of the highest towns in Colorado. The coldest it got was -30 deg. We considered being in the -10 to 10 degrees and with the sun out, and no wind a stroll in the park. We very seldom had any winds, not even a slight breeze. It was a joy and wonderful experience working and living there. I was only 30 years old at the time, and I found it was easy in adapting to the cold.

While fixing breakfast, I was wondering if the eggs would get frozen in the ice chest? Luckily they didn’t. I will have to watch for that. The insulated ice chest also helps in preventing things from freezing. I stopped putting ice in the cooler, and I put a warm water bottle in it so things wouldn’t freeze. It helped a little.

I felt comfortable in my sleeping bag all night at this lower temperature.

I checked on my laptop, and nothing. I will have to take it in to have a computer guy look at it. Luckily there is someone in town who repairs that stuff.

One of my options in keeping the tent warm during the night is to constantly keep the fire going, which would be a pain, and would cost more in wood, or Jeff said, he would let me use an electric heater, which I don’t want to use. Since the boys don’t mind the cold, and I don’t mind the cold, I will just adjust and adapt to it.

I did check both the inside temperature and the outside temperature of the tent, and it read the same. The difference is condensation levels.

It is time to chop more wood. I don’t mind chopping wood, It is good exercise and it gets the blood flowing.

December 7, 2018 – Friday

In was about 20 deg at 8:00 am in the tent. Outside we had blue skies.

I tried my flannel lined pants on today, and it felt very heavy to wear. It also created too much sweat inside of them. I will continue wearing the pants I have been wearing since I don’t have a problem with them. The flannel pants would be good if we had wind, or on very cold days.

My water source froze up this morning with little water for me and the boys. The water I do have is in frozen plastic containers, but I can use the cooking stove to melt water, or the wood burning stove in the tent, or next to the campfire. The things that we take for granted, so basic, can catch us unprepared in these situations. At least I have some options I can use.

Yesterday while getting a salad prepared for dinner, It was frozen in the ice chest. The meat was almost frozen this morning. I put two warm water bottles in the ice chest to prevent from freezing. When we deal with these circumstances, we have to think about the options we have? And what we can learn from these challenges we may face? I was thinking about climate change and how many people will be unprepared to deal with the many hardships we will face and endure – like clean water, clean air, parched land, and food?

December 8, 2018 – Saturday

We had overcast skies this morning at 7:30 am and 14 deg. It warmed up at 10:30 am to 21 degrees.

Yesterday afternoon the water was flowing again from the water spigot. And we had water for this morning, although the flow of water was slow.

My food was still freezing in the ice chest, so I used hot water in two water bottles in the ice chest vs warm water. That seemed to work. I completely stopped putting ice blocks in the ice chest until things started warming up in Spring. I also moved the ice chest in the vestibule to see if that will help a little?

I have been having a campfire outside almost every morning, unless it rained. I have been starting the outside campfire with newspaper, fatwood shavings and a few pieces of fatwood. I also began using a wood base, or platform to keep the fire off the wet ground and snow. With the fatwood all I would need is a spark from the flint of the lighter to get the fire going. Sometimes I would use a cotton ball to get the fire going. It is really nice to have the morning fire, bringing warmth and comfort to the soul. Each day I experience the beauty that is all around us. During the late afternoon we headed straight for the tent and started a fire in the stove. The temperature dropped quickly at 4;00 pm and by then it was dark out.

December 9, 2018 – Sunday

It was 16 deg this morning at 8:00 am. It warmed up to 30 deg. It is mostly clear with a layer of high clouds. Sitting next to the campfire, I enjoyed being in nature, siping a hot cup of coffee, and writing in the journal.

A small bird flew into the tent. I was thinking how difficult it would be getting him or her out? The little guy was able to find it’s way out quickly.

We just hung out today in camp.

December 10, 2018 – Monday

I was thinking about going into town today. But not so much. I woke up to about 3” of snow. It is not much, but I don’t want to take a chance of getting stuck in the snow.

I cleared off most of the snow on the top of the roof early this morning by using a broom, and squeegee on a long pole from the inside of the tent. I started using the squeegee, thinking this would be a perfect tool to get the snow off, but if I caught it just right at the metal corner edge of the squeegee, I could possibly rip the tent, so I decided to use the broom. I didn’t want to get dressed to clear the roof outside, so I tried brushing the inside of the roof, and the snow slid off easily. It was a very light snow. So I swept and banged on the roof with the broom while watching the snow sliding off the top of the roof with ease. I was thinking, “that was easy and I didn’t even have to go outside?” I then went back to bed. I knew if too much snow got on the roof, it could collapse the tent, so I knew this should be taken care of quickly, although it was a light snow.

It was still snowing lightly when we got up. It was beautiful. Like being in a winter wonderland in nature. The ground, the foothills, and the trees were covered in freshly fallen snow. The boys were excited about the snow. They knew exactly what to do. It was time to play in this fluffy stuff.

The boys enjoying the snow.

I took the boys for their morning walk then back to camp. Takota was especially enjoying the snow. Nanook was too, but not as much as Takota.

Since it was still snowing, I started a fire in the stove. I wanted to see how well it cleared the snow off the tent. And we could hunker down inside a warm tent for a bit. The inside of the tent soon became pleasant to be in with, and toasty warm. I brought my chair inside to do some writing in the journal. I also cleared the canopy roof of new snow. Today we will just hang out in camp and see what the day will bring.

I went around camp taking photos of our camp with the snow all around.

On our evening walk, it was 5:00 pm. I felt a sense of peace walking in the snow in the darkness of night. It was one of those magical moments while deeply breathing in this cool air of winter.

Our first real snow of 3 inches. It was nice to see.

December 11, 2018 – Tuesday

We may get a little snow today, then change to rain. It is 30 deg. At 9:45 am.

I will clean the stove and split wood today.

I was feeling times of uneasiness today, and yesterday for most of the two days. I couldn’t figure out what was going on? Why I was feeling this way? There were times I felt fine, then like a light switch I would feel emotionally uneasy, and down for no reason.

Under the canopy it was very slippery with ice. I had to be careful so as not to slip on my butt.

I am surprised my pens have not froze in these cold temperatures?

After taking some photos of the winter scenery, I was in awe of the beauty all around us. Such beautiful and magical times – but it can also be very dangerous at times for those not aware.

December 12, 2018 – Wednesday

We got up at 7:30 am with partly cloudy skies. It was 30 degrees and it was icy out and slick. Each step had to be taken with respect and caution. Jeff let me use some crampons. I have some somewhere, but not sure where they are at in all my stuff.

I was feeling uneasy again this morning, so I meditated, and that seemed to help calm my mind down.

December 13, 2018 – Thursday

It was 28 deg when we got up at 7:30 am. We have a little breeze this morning making it a bit chilly.

Another morning with uneasiness in my mind. Maybe a couple of sips of hot coffee will help clear the old mind. I feel great now after having some coffee – what a shift. I hate feeling lousy with mind clutter, in a beautiful place I find that we are in.

We will try to go into town today.

I haven’t done much writing, but short writings on Facebook on my smart phone. It seems I get inspired in the early morning while my fingers freeze during typing.

While in the tent, I was writing in my journal, and talking to Nanook. I then looked through the small window at the back of the tent. I saw something that looked like a tree branch that was on the ground with a vertical piece in my sight of vision. It then moved. It was a turkey, then another head popped up next to the first one I saw. Then a third one popped up next to the second one. They are just hanging around camp. Nanook was just watching them, I was thinking about taking a photo of them. Then when I was ready with the camera, they were gone. That happens with wildlife, they never want to stick around for a photo shoot.

It is 9:37 am, 37 deg. And a cold breeze blowing.

Not sure if I will make it into town today, Jeff only graded a part of the driveway yesterday and there is still some icy spots that are questionable if my truck can make it through.

I really haven’t done much writing since I have been here. Only some short writings on facebook. My journal pages have remained blank for the most part. I need to get focused on my writing. I feel the pressure of not writing.

December 14, 2018 – Friday

We got up at 7:30 am – the usual morning lately with the feeling of unease, and anxiety. The stress is a cause of a number of things, but mostly from my mind itself, in my thoughts that I create. It is not from being in nature itself. Nature itself brings me peace within. My thoughts seem to have intensified uncontrollably with no rhyme or reason. Anything can trigger them, as does nature in giving me a feeling of quite solitude, and calm – in a deep feeling of connection with all life.

It is cloudy with some blue skies showing through, at 24 deg. It soon completely clouded up by 9:15 am. The boys and I had a nice walk through the countryside, then back at camp I fixed coffee, and breakfast. I tried to empty my mind and just write, allowing my thoughts to flow onto the page of the journal. I know I am allowing these strong negative emotions I am experiencing to effect my writing. But this is when I should be writing.

They are putting a grip on me that is like an intense fear so strong it is hard letting them go from my consciousness. Like a power that over comes my very being.

December 15, 2018 – Saturday

The boys greeted me for some scratches and loving. It is always nice starting a new day this way. We got up at 7:45 am, and it feels very comfortable outside at 36 deg. The skies are overcast.

I didn’t jump for joy this morning, but it was a better morning than many I was having. These moods I find myself in, is not the weather, or where we are at, or in our situation for the most part. It is about the moody, and unpredictable part of Jeff, that plays into it as with the uncertainty of our future. It is experiencing a dark side within the mind. And it is mostly during the night time hours, reacting to any dreams, good or bad, and my thoughts that play out in my mind.

In starting a campfire this morning, I appreciated the process of making a fire and with the comfort a fire brings to me, especially on these cold winter days. It could be much worse, we could have much more wind then we are having, and much more snow. Usually when we do get wind it is at night.

The coffee is brewing, and sausage, bacon, and eggs are on the menu. The boys are enjoying the smell of breakfast cooking, and being outdoors. They love the snow, especially Takota, that sparks a playfulness inside of him.

Yesterday, we got a few things done, actually most of the things on my list of things to do. I got about three days of food, we made it down the driveway with crashing off the embankment, or into a tree. I decided to park on the road, hoping the truck will be safe over night. I didn’t think we would make it up the driveway safely. Jeff asked me why I parked below, and I told him I didn’t want to get stuck. He offered to try it, and he was able to get it up the driveway. I didn’t realize how drunk he was until later. But it ended up being all good.

A guy who has stayed with Jeff before, is staying for some time this winter here. So he can give Jeff some company.

The fire I started this morning, I used shavings of fat wood in an egg carton with cedar bark, and the spark from the lighter. Just because a lighter loses it flame ability, it can still be used for it’s spark. It was one of these connected moments I had with the fire that I have not experienced for some time.

At 12:00 noon the sun is out giving us nice warmth and mostly clear skies. It is 48 deg. Nice and toasty.

Last night we were getting gusts of wind last night. The tent stood firm. I was concerned about the canopy. The canopy did survived. With the direction of the wind I was hoping the canopy would not come crashing into the tent.

As for the ventilation inside the tent, with everything closed due to the rain. I was still getting too much moisture in the tent. I talked with a friend, and he made some suggestions that really did not seem feasible. But it gave me some ideas so I made some adjustments to the ventilation and that seemed to work. I kept the ventilation panels open just a crack just to let air through. My friend wanted to make major modifications to the tent, that just was not doable.

I was getting 55 deg to 75 deg inside the tent with the stove. Seventy-five degrees was just too warm for me and the boys. I found 55 deg was a comfortable temperature inside the tent. The heat was spreading throughout the whole tent with the proper ventilation adjustment.

In our experiences in Nature, it is a special and magical place to be with my canine companions. In this place of natural beauty, I feel I am a part of this masterful painting of nature – ever changing, and wondrous in each moment.(Photos of nature)

I did get the the truck down and up the driveway today, but got stuck in mud at the top. Never ending challenges with the mud, and snow. The saint, Jeff, saved the day once again, and got the truck out of being stuck.

December 16, 2018 – Sunday

I experienced bad thoughts and dreams through the night, and leaving a bad hangover of feeling in the morning. We took a nice morning walk in 28 deg to refresh my mind. It was very pleasant. There was no wind, and with overcast skies, just a beautiful morning.

When I think about it, I cannot believe what we have experienced for the first year on our journey. We have gone through four states, California, Oregon, Washington, and now, Idaho. And in many campgrounds, including three trips in the backcountry. And now experiencing camping in the Idaho winter.

With a few sips of coffee next to a nice campfire, my mind began to fully clear of those unpleasant thoughts that were just swept away into the void. I feel normal once again, enjoying those special moments with the boys, and being, and experiencing the beautiful moments in nature. As I have been experience these very uncomfortable, and anxious mornings of late, nature seems to give me healing, and now I feel great in the moment with each full cleansing breath I take.

It is suppose to be a nice day today, meaning no snow or rain, but with a possible rain for tonight. And 100% chance of rain showers on Monday and Tuesday.

A post I made on Facebook on December 12, 2018:

“This morning I had a conversation with the Creator. I have been having problems focusing on my intent for this journey we are on, and have experienced a bit of stress from the uncertainty it brings, like money, and where we will end up when winter is over. Where this anxiety comes to visit me at night and early morning hours to haunt me. The question of my writing ability, simply can I write? And my ability to connect deeply with nature?

For me, this journey has been more of a spiritual journey more then anything else. During this conversation I was having with the Creator I did feel a deeper connection with nature and to all life forms. And of course the connection with the Creator in these moments.

I have been able to be in nature in silent observations and in those moments I feel a deep peace and connection to all life. They are indeed magical moments, gifts of life even if they only happen for a short time. It is a time of feeling the oneness in all life.”

December 17, 2018 – Monday

It is 8:00 am and it has stopped raining for the moment. The temperature is 36 deg. Most of the night a light rain fell.

I awoke early with a little anxiety. I repeated to myself, “I am love.” The feeling of this anxiety quickly disappeared, and a feeling of calm replaced it. I also sent love to Jeff.

Yesterday I got my truck moved to flatter ground this morning when the ground was still frozen. I parked it next to the trailer.

I checked on buying bags of sand to weigh down the rear of my truck for better traction at a good price. I will have to pick some up. Hopefully it will help.

I fixed breakfast for me and the boys, cleaned the wood stove, chopped firewood, and put a tarp over the wood in the bed of the truck I was using for weight in the backend. I got a lot done, but felt on edge most of the day, and evening.

I was reading a few books on spirituality, and meditating to help me get in a right frame of mind. I didn’t realize there was much more going on.

In one of Eckhart Tolle’s books he writes, “Look at a tree, a flower, a plant. Let your awareness rest upon it. How still they are, how deeply rooted in Being. Allow nature to teach you stillness.”

In reading this, I feel the many times I have experienced this stillness in nature. And even with the boys. When we go to bed, I say good night to the boys, and give them rubs and kisses. Sometimes I say nothing, but feel those experiences with the boys, and realize no words have to be said, only felt.

This morning Jeff yelled over to me, “Good morning Rick.” That was a nice surprise I was not expecting. Maybe sending him love, helped?

A friend of mind occasionally reminds me to follow the deep wisdom of the spiritual masters. She is a guiding light for me. She said in a message I wrote, “You got it!” And followed with, “Be happy for the moment. For this moment is your life.” All we really have is in this moment. The past and future are just illusional thoughts in the mind. But in many modern day cultures, we are taught to live in the past and future, and not in the moment. We live by the clock.

December 18, 2018 – Thursday

Another uneasy morning, once we were up I felt much better after some coffee. I don’t think the coffee had anything to do with it. It was just being outside in nature. It was 30 deg at 7:45 am. We had a light steady rain all night. I thought it would be chilly with the moisture in the air, but it was actually very pleasant. I was only wearing a light coat this morning.

The fog laid over the Clearwater River below. We got some clearing with the sun popping out from the clouds and fog providing us with some blue sky occasionally.

Last night I was watching the documentary, “Home” and I lost all hope for mankind. I woke up around 4:00 am to relieve myself outside and I felt panic, and a sense of hopelessness. I got back into bed, repeating “How may I be of service” over and over again, and “What is my purpose on this planet?” “Was I suppose to write and be on this journey we are on, to learn?”

While I was going through these turbulent feelings, A word from a St. Frances prayer flashed through my mind, Hope!

The Prayer of Saint Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love,

Where there is injury, pardon,

Where there is doubt, faith,

Where there is despair, hope,

Where there is darkness, light,

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Devine Master,

Grant that I may not seek so much to be consoled as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in forgiving that we are forgiven,

It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I am not a religious person, but this prayer says it all, at least for me. It is who I want to be.

Yesterday I spent most of the day quieting the mind. On our walk a thought came to mind,

“Where you find silence, you will experience peace, and freedom within and without.”

December 22, 2018 – Saturday

I was dealing with ups and downs with dis-ease in my mind and body.

It was 26 deg. We got up at 7:00 am. We had blue skies and on the ground we had tiny ice crystals shining in the morning sunlight.

I built a campfire. I used fatwood, cotton and a metal match to get it started. It was also on a wood base. The uncomfortable feeling I was experiencing persisted while fixing breakfast. I could not seem to shake it off, so I just allowed it to be, and it dissipated on it’s own. I began feeling great and refreshed.

December 23, 2018 – Sunday

We go up around 7:30 am with a little dusting of snow on the ground and tent. It is 30 deg. The snow on the tent was a little heavy with moisture. I cleaned it of with the squeeze. Over the vestibule it was dryer and cleaned of easily.

The cold has not bothered me much, and nor with the boys. They love the cold.

This morning was nice until the wind picked up. It then felt a bit nippy outside.

We went on our morning walk. Along the way Nanook was focused intently on something ahead of him, and Takota was reacting to Nanook by looking at Nanook as if he was reading off of him – sensing Nanook’s energy. Takota would be looking at Nanook, then looking forward towards where Nanook was looking. He did that back and forth about five times. Then the focus Nanook had was gone. And we continued on our walk. It was pretty incredible watching them, especially Takota on how he was picking up on Nanook’s energy. How he was in this silent communication with his brother.

It was cold and the wind was blowing off and on, so I built a fire in the wood burning stove, fixed the boys breakfast, and me coffee, and we went inside the tent to stay warm. I used the stove to keep my coffee hot.

I was trying to repair things like a button on my coat and a fitting on my cooking stove, and just becoming frustrated with the whole process. So my efforts were fruitless.

December 24, 2018 – Friday

Last night while in bed, I experienced a quiet mind for long periods between my thoughts. I experienced a peaceful and relaxed night in a long time. In the morning I was meditating, a sweeping feeling of discomfort came over me, like a fast moving storm that came over me, and I was overwhelmed with a strong sense of fear. I couldn’t seem to shake it, even on our walk. There were times I just couldn’t let these thoughts go, they would grasp my being. I felt I had little control of my thoughts. I was always trying to figure out what was going on, why was I experiencing these strong and unpleasant thoughts?

Getting back to camp from town, I raked the tire marks from my truck from the mud and grass it left. Jeff was stacking fire wood and I asked if he needed help. He said “thanks, but he was okay.” his attitude seemed friendly. Maybe he was dealing with the same thing I was dealing with, and at times took it out on others. He then asked if I wanted to come for Christmas dinner? I didn’t want to be rude or ungrateful, so I said yes. Although I really didn’t want to. They never seem to turn out well.

December 25, 2018 – Tuesday

Christmas Day. It was overcast and 34 deg.

Back at camp from our walk, I put on a pot of coffee and made a campfire to take the chill off. I felt grateful today. It was indeed a good day. I slept well last night. I will put on some Christmas music and will fix me and the boys breakfast. I felt good on this day.

I went to Jeff’s for the Christmas dinner, unfortunately it didn’t go well. I left as soon as I could to get back with the boys. I never liked leaving them alone.

December 27, 2018 – Thursday

The night began terrible with stressful thoughts, but I was finally able to relax and have a restful night sleep.

This morning it was 30 deg. It felt nice outside, not too cold, and with no wind. We got about 2” of snow last night. It started to melt when we got up this morning. The wood stove kept most of the snow off the tent.

It is a beautiful morning with the new snow covering the tree branches.

We will stay in camp today. Do some writing, and chop wood.

Yesterday we went into town to get some food, and went to the library to order a new cooking stove from Coleman. I also checked out a movie to watch.

January 3, 2019 – Thursday

Going into a new year. What will this year bring to us?

A few days ago our canopy blew down in a strong wind. I thought it was trashed, but looking at it closer, I thought I could repair it with duct tape. It should be good for another few days at least.

We got a some wind today and it seemed to be holding up with my duct tape patch work.

This morning it was 29 deg. It was nice outside, a beautiful morning, and enjoying sitting next to a nice campfire. The past few days started out with 20 deg mornings and blue skies.

After breakfast I will do some writing.

January 4, 2019 – Friday

So far in our winter camp, it would have been much nicer and with less stress if our landlord was less unpredictable in his behavior, but it is what it is. I was also dealing with stress with Takota’s eye problem. But he seems to be doing fine.

This morning is a beautiful day with overcast skies, and 30 deg. The forecast is mostly cloudy and no rain or snow.

One of the mantras I have been repeating is:

I am not my body,

I am not my thoughts,

I am not my feelings,

I am pure love.

January 6, 2019 – Sunday

I have been concerned about my writing ability that brings on stress. During the night I hear a voice repeating in my head, “write, write, write.”

January 7, 2019 – Monday

Silence – One January Morning

Silence can be experienced anywhere. For me it is on this one particular beautiful January morning in these Idaho foothills, and in the surrounding mountains, and above the Clearwater River. It is everywhere I am. Everywhere I see. In everything I experience.

It is in the brisk 30 degree air, where half the sky is clear blue in the southerly and westerly direction, and mostly overcast to the east and north direction.

The morning sun that rises above the tops of the hills, peeking through a broken layer of low lying clouds, providing the beginnings of some signs of a little warmth on this cold winter morning. But the fog above the Clearwater River is rising to where we lie, that soon covers up the sun, and any warmth we had just experienced.

We got a little rain early in the morning being awakened hearing the sounds of the rain drops falling on the tent roof. It left a thin layer of snow on the foothills and trees.

Sitting next to a fire, sipping my coffee, I see the beauty all around me, enjoying this winter landscape, listening to the birds singing and the turkeys gobbling. My dogs lying by my side. The Locust trees next to camp just skeletons until Spring comes once again.

These are special moments that I see, and hear in the silence of nature.

They become the magic I experience each and every day in the stillness, the peacefulness, of the pure awareness of being silent in my world.

January 8, 2019 – Tuesday

I had my typical night last night with on and off calm, fear and the lingering discomfort of doubt in my mind.

It is 20 deg. Clouding up from clear skies, but always a nice day.

We are going to the library today for a Writers group they are having there.

When we arrived at the library I had no idea what to expect of the writers group. There were only four of us there. They discussed last weeks assignment and gave another one that I took part in for next week. I am glad I went.

January 9, 2019 – Wednesday

It looks like a nice day on my birthday with 30 degrees out.

Overall I slept pretty good last night.

We just hung out at camp today enjoying being in nature.

January 10, 2019 – Thursday

Last night I watched a documentary “Utopia.” This documentary was on the mistreatment of the Australian Aboriginals. It wasn’t the first time I have watched it. I felt many emotions watching this. Mostly sadness and anger, on how the modern day societies treat indigenous peoples around the world. Our modern cultures can learn a lot from traditional indigenous peoples.

During the night I went into my automatic writing mode where I would be getting bits and pieces of what I would be interested in writing about on a particular subject. I was usually always half a sleep when this happens. The thoughts were always clear in my mind, and running like a continuous reel of words and ideas. And I would always think, I will remember them in the morning to write them down. But this usually never happens, I always forget them. I didn’t want to get up for my phone to write, but I was being pushed to do so. I finally grabbed my phone and began to write. I did not know what I was going to write, and just began typing on the small annoying keypad on the phone. After I was finished, I pressed send for the world to read on Facebook. I would always go back to what I just posted, to edit the post at least a few times, and then sent it again and again until I thought I was done. I would then go back to sleep, hopefully with no more interruptions. I felt good after this writing, but knew it would have little or no impact on the outside world.

I felt pretty good this morning compared with so many bad one I have had lately this winter.

On our morning walk I was being followed with unwanted and anxious thoughts. When we got back to camp, I got a fire going and my coffee perking, my mind began to calm.

January 13, 2019 – Sunday

I have been having pretty good nights since the 10th. Not experiencing much dreaded nights that I have been experiencing on most nights and mornings.

I remember once when Shiloh and I were alone in the backcountry, I woke up to strange sounds and intense lights out side the tent. I thought, “Could it be a UFO to take us away, or being invaded by the military on night maneuvers?” I really didn’t care, and whatever it was, I thought, “Just take us.” And I fell quietly to sleep. Shiloh never woke from this disturbance I thought we were having. It could have even been backpackers going through camp.

Another time, a friend of mine and I were sleeping on a beach, where camping was not allowed, and two officers woke us from a quiet sleep. I heard a commotion and I heard the officers yelling at my friend to stop. The second the flash lights hit my friends eyes while sleeping, he was dreaming a bus was about to hit him, so he actually responded by getting up and running away. The police didn’t know that. They just thought my friend was running away from them. He quickly woke up and stopped. It is amazing how quickly the mind works with telling us an illusional story in our sleep.

This morning we had fog in the valley, and nice blue skies above. It was 16 deg. I must have been getting used to the cold because it really didn’t bother me. Mostly with me moving around. When I sat down to write I began getting cold, especially on my hands when I was writing. It was another beautiful day in nature.

January 16, 2019 – Wednesday

It has been around 14 degrees the past few day with no wind, and mostly blue skies. We were usually always above the fog that seemed to hang over the river most days.

January 22, 2019 – Tuesday

For the past two and a half months it has been difficult with the stress, fears, and anxiety I have been dealing with. Even times I thought I was going crazy. And it mostly occurs at night and in the early mornings. I would dread going to bed at night because of what I experience most nights. It doesn’t seem to matter what dreams or thought I have, I react to them with uncontrollable anxiety. I use many methods to relive them, sometimes they work and other times they did not. These feelings seem to turn on automatically like a light switch with no warning. I tried watching movies to settle the mind before going to bed, but even the movies did not always help.

This morning was 27 deg. It was foggy on our walk on the road. It looked like the fog was breaking up and then it was back again, like my bad thoughts. I would experience extremes of being very calm and other times in great uncertainty. These bad feelings have been carrying over into the days.

Evening Entry

While I was making my evening fire in the tent stove, I was reflecting about how grateful I was in my life. In having the boys with me, and being able to live in nature in a tent. It was a different lifestyle that I have been used to, but it was an easy adjustment to make.

January 23, 2019 – Wednesday

We got around 3” of unexpected snow fall last night at around 1:15 am, not unlike our last such snow fall not long ago, the weight of this snow was much more heavier, causing the sagging of the tent roof to give me some concern. I knew it was time to get up and go outside to remove the snow from the tent roof. It was too heavy to do from the inside. So I got dressed and began removing the heavy wet snow before it did any damage to the tent.

I used the squeeze to remove most of it and the broom for the final touches. I wasn’t to concerned about sides of the tent which will help insulate the tent. While I was cleaning off the tent of snow I heard the canopy crashing down from the weight of the snow on it. It is a goner now.

I will move our cooking area back in the unfinished cabin next to camp. I know Jeff won’t like it. I then thought it could work under the overhang of the cabin, so that will be our new spot. We will see how they works?

The snow brings magical images to photos.

January 24, 2019 – Thursday

We woke up with the whole area blanket in white. I think we will be stuck in camp for a few days. It was beautiful out with all this snow.

It continued to snow all day with an accumulation of about 18 inches before it stopped. Not sure how long the snow will last, and how long it will take to melt. On our walks I would check the road condition. We were eventually able to get into town where I bought a set of chains for the truck, but not today. The boys were loving all this snow. Tomorrow we will begin shoveling snow and moving our cooking area to the overhang. I will also shovel around the truck.

Takota can’t believe all of the snow. “Where did it come from?” He wonders?

January 27, 2019 – Sunday

I had a pretty restful sleep last night. I believe from doing a technique called releasing that I did last night. It doesn’t always work at times, but I believed it did this time.

Afternoon Entry

I had a good feeling about this morning from the release I had the night before.

I was watching the boys this morning just being observant of them, and enjoyed their presence. The day was a good day.

January 28, 2019 – Monday

I had another rough night. After taking the boys for a walk, I experienced moments of insights, a shift in consciousness. I had a feeling of joy within. But the nights can be very rough on the psyche, feeling unbearable at times. Like being in a constant nightmare. But when one wakes up, they realize it is just a dream that is playing out, but a dream that grips one as being real. It is a horrible feeling to experience. It is like a cruel trick God plays on us. It is evening in the movies we watch or the in the stories we read.

When I was young, as with all children do, we experience reoccurring nightmares that play out on our young minds all the time. Then at some point they just disappear, never to be seen again. Then others appear to replace them. For some children, it is horrific and traumatizing experiences of their past that play out in their everyday lives.

(While writings this for my blog, I step outside to pet Nanook, and feel the fresh cool air all around me, and feel great comfort in that experience of just being alive.)

In these dark and horrifying dreams I would have when I was young, I began seeing these dreams as me watching them as an observer, being totally detached from them. They then had a totally different meaning in them. They were no longer frightening to me. They became just experiences I observed, and at any moment I could let go of them. I realized I had complete control of my mind.

January 30, 2019 – Wednesday

I am still dealing with off and on anxiety. It is driving me nuts. These feeling just grab a hold of me and it can be difficult letting them go of. The morning then turned into a pretty good day.

This evening I felt some anxiety watching a movie. I was hoping it would take my mind off of these unwanted feeling before bed and to help me sleep. It only helped a little. I just wanted a quiet night sleep. I don’t know what is going on with me? I spent 7 months alone camping with the boys, and close to 3 months in the backcountry alone with no problems. There was a lot of negative energy where we were staying, but being in nature, and with the boys always brought me back to a calming state of being. I am still thinking about what our future will bring as well. What are we going to do after our winter camp?

January 31, 2019 – Thursday

On Tuesday I applied for social security. This will help some in getting me through these difficult times.

I picked up a refurbished laptop Yesterday and will have a laptop for my writing now. My laptop I took in, could not be repaired.

We went into town today for coffee and breakfast at a diner we have been going to, felt a bit of anxiety, but it helped getting into a different environment and away from the negative environment we were in at camp. While driving into town I was going through what if scenarios with the negative thoughts I was having, and replacing them with positive outcomes. This seemed to help quiet my mind and focus on my intentions.

I was thinking about my writing, and our experiences thus far on our journey. It has been a wonderful experience so far. And what I am dealing with now is just part of our journey. What are the lessons I can learn from this?

“The less you personalize the pain you feel… the more quickly it becomes transmuted.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

February 1, 2019 – Friday

This morning I was thinking it would be nice finding a permanent place for the summer. I know it could be a challenge finding campsites in the summer months with all the crowds wanting to camp.

February 4, 2019 – Monday

It rained most of the night with a light and steady rain. Sometime in the morning, the rain stopped and the snow began. I had a pretty good night.

At 5:00 am I checked the snow loads on the roof. It was a light snow, but I wanted to get it off the roof since it was still snowing. We got about an inch of snow. It was 36 deg. We love the snow, but it can prevent us from getting out of camp.

We will stay in camp due to the snow. I will fix breakfast, do some writing, and split wood, and just enjoy the beautiful winter day.

February 13, 2019 – Wednesday

Last night while getting a fire going in the wood stove, Smoke began coming out of the spark arrestor box I have at the middle of the flue, to trap sparks and ash, making it easier to clean and reducing the soot in the flue pipe, that obviously needed to be cleaned, as with the spark arrestor cap at the end of the flue pipe that was also clogged with soot. The only place for the smoke to go was in the tent. It literally smoked us out of the tent. I opened everything up to ventilate, but it took awhile to clear the smoke out. We had no fire for heat tonight.

I know what I will be doing this morning. Because we were burning wet wood, this caused a build up in the flue pipe much faster than usual.

I have to really watch that and keep the flue pipe cleaned more often. I had about an inch of creosote build up in the stove pipe.

February 20, 2019 – Wednesday

I received some very unexpected money from my brother, so that helped take some pressure of me, as with getting social security soon.

This morning we got more snow.

(I stopped putting entries in my journal from this point, so I will give a recap to what occurred from this point on to when we leave here.

During these remaining months we would get occasional snows but we didn’t get any major snow fall. Usually an inches or so.

At the end of the day, we used up a total of three cords of firewood. The last cord we got was mostly wet. Too wet to burn, so I split the logs into smaller pieces so as to dry faster. This did seem to help.

As for our the writing group I showed up one more time and we all read what we had written. My writing was about the experience I had on our morning walk a couple of days ago. I was having those dark thoughts on our walk. I began focusing on the present moment, looking at nature, and being with the boys. And I suddenly awoke to a new reality of peace and calm in the beauty nature always brought to me. After reading what I had written two other people in the group, basically was writing about their dark experiences. I asked after they were finished, “Does everyone experience these same things I am experiencing? Is this town cursed? One of the gals shook her head acknowledging a “yes.” I thought this is mightily scary.

Although I enjoyed the writing group, I decided to leave the group and focus on my writing that I might submit for publishing. Each publisher had different criteria, and time lines for submitting, so I had to make sure I followed them. I had two magazines I focused on.

One day I was going to the food and grain store in town for some dog food for the boys, and asked one of the gals that works there about my experiences I was having on the dark side? She immediately responded with, “Yes, that is cabin fever! Most everyone experiences it here, especially the ones who are next to the river, since they deal with it much more than those in higher elevations who don’t deal with the fog as much.” She suggested to me to take vitamin D3 to help. After getting the dog food I stopped at a health food store to pick up some vitamins and the nice lady suggested others vitamins that might help. I also had suggestions from Facebook friends on what might help. It was a relief that I was not the only one going crazy. I knew a little about cabin fever, but never experienced it. Now I know, and there are ways to relieve the symptoms. I was thinking, what if we went to Alaska? Where it has no sunlight during the winter months. I probably would have really gone insane, or had become an alcoholic.

I would occasionally drop by the health food store for a nice chat with the owner.

The days would slowly get longer and the better weather we would get that helped slowly with my cabin fever. The writing I was doing also helped in keeping my mind busy, as with other things I was doing.

I discussed with the Librarian about doing a film showing of a documentary I had permission to show called “Standing on Sacred Ground,” at the library. She was very open to the idea, so we began planning for it. The Librarian made flyers to post on the window of the library, and around town. I contacted the Nez Perce Community Center and even possibly doing a showing there, as with contacting the radio station in town that was run by the Nez Perce, in getting the word out. I did question the turnout how many non-natives would show up just because of how they feel about native people. The documentary was about different indigenous peoples of the world and how they related to the world. They saw all life as being sacred, and their connection with the sacred. This is what much of my writing is about – our connection with nature, I was hoping the documentary would awaken those who had forgotten about what nature is here for.

I really wasn’t sure of the turnout we would have, but I was hopeful. I thought the documentary would interest non-natives, as well as with native peoples. But with these film showing of this sort or for many documentaries, most people are not that interested. This film showing would be free of charge.

When I began our film showing at the Library, our first showing brought in three people, me, and my two dogs, Takota and Nanook. Doing it in the winter was a bit of a challenge when it snowed. Once or twice we had to cancel the showing due to snow. Our first showing I would have everyone, (a total of four people, introduce themselves, and I would then briefly talk about why I thought these films were important. One person was a full blooded Nez Perce. During our intro, he said very little. After we were done showing the film, he would quietly leave. I am sure he was thinking what is this white man’s intent in this was? (Referring to me?) I believe there was a lot of mistrust, maybe hatred, bad feelings between both cultures as it always has been keeping both cultures separate from one another. The non-Indian felt it was their land, the Indian felt it was their land that was stolen from them by the white man. I personally sided with the Indian people. They have been on this land for thousands of years, the Europeans once began colonizing believed it was theirs to be taken for themselves, and nothing would stop them – evening by committing genocide towards the original peoples. I felt this separation in Kamiah.

During the four showings, the attendance was usually at around two to three people including me and the boys. Maybe if I had it during better weather it would have been a little better showing, or during the evening.

On the fourth and last showing it was only me, my dogs and the Nez Perce gentleman. He was the only one who came to all four showings which surprised me. I didn’t ask him what he thought about the films, but just thanked him for coming. For me, it was an honor having him there. He actually said, that he had learned some things that may help his people. And that was it. But in those few words spoken, the most he had said in all four showings, that was a lot. Again, I thanked him for being there. Just in those few moments it made the film showing all worth it. Of course I wanted to talk with him more, but it was not to be. I would see him walking down the street in downtown Kamiah, usually alone. I would acknowledge him with a waive when I did see him, and there was nothing more.

The whole area of Kamiah as with other areas around it was once the Nez Perce’s land, their home. And now they only have a very small piece of it left. They have their casino that does not bring in very much money to their people. I am sure it is heavily taxed by the State government. They do have a Pow Wow in the summer time here which is a good thing to bring the community together. But would it reach the community far and deep away from this separation. I truly believe the native peoples of the world are here to teach us about our relationship with the natural world. It just seems so empty here without the presence of the native people. It saddens me to see this. It saddens me in what we have done to these once proud peoples of this land. A land that was taken over by the white people that show little, if any respect for the people who once lived here, and still do live here. It is not only in Kamiah, it is everywhere in the United States. I always felt anger, and deep sadness to what we had done to these incredible cultures, basically trying to eliminate them from their own land, and destroying their cultures and traditions.

I wish I could spend more time with the native peoples, but it is very hard connecting with them, and I have had no luck in doing so on our journey thus far. I am planning to go to Ketchum / Sun Valley in the Summer months and hope to do a film showing there at the beautiful library there. It sounds encouraging. This community is much more native friendly that most I would have to say in Idaho.

Once I got my refurbished laptop, I knew I had to focus on writing. In the mornings, I would spend time in the library and the cafe to do my writing. I would pull writings I had already done, modify them, then submit them to two different magazines, One was Orion Magazine, and the other was Sun Magazine. I did two submissions to Orion’s and five submissions to Sun Magazine. I also submitted an article to a writing contest.

I had rejections by both magazines, and did not win the writing contest, but I did receive an encouraging note from them on my writing, and told me I should contact the judges for any possible leads. Unfortunately nothing happen with them.

Gradually the snow disappeared, the weather was turning into Spring, and slowly my symptoms of cabin fever disappeared. I began planning where my next camping area would be. Usually the campgrounds would not be open until mid June so our departure would not be until the middle of June.

In the morning of the month of March I was talking with Jeff next to our camp, and we were hit by a unexpected strong wind that ripped through the Clearwater River valley. It was so strong I thought it was going to destroy my vestibule. I was also concerned about the tent and hoping the tent stakes would hold. If the stakes decided to pulled out that could have been a big problem. It lasted maybe for about fifteen minutes. My tent and vestibule survived with no damage surprisingly, but at the lower elevations of the valley along the river, did not fare so well. There was a lot of damage and with many downed trees. It was said on the news. it was a tornado that tore through the area. One campground along the river, a trailer home, was struck by a fallen tree that destroyed the trailer, but the good thing was, no one was hurt.

In March my drivers license, and auto registration would expired in April. I had to figure what I was going to do. I decided I would become an resident of Idaho and began studying the drivers manual. Because my memory was slowly getting worse I spent the whole month reading and rereading the driver’s manual, and taking practice tests. I did good in passing the practice tests, but was still concerned about, what if I don’t pass?

When I went in for my written driver’s test I was a bit nervous. I first took the test, and the lady helping me, told be I got a 100% on the test. She said, she had never had anyone get a 100% on the test. I was really relieved. I then took an eye exam that I past, then went into another building to get my truck registration. Overall it was an easy process taking care of all of this. I was now a proud resident of Idaho.

One day I was watching two birds, wood peckers on top of a Black locust tree next to camp. I grabbed my binoculars to get a closer look. It was the elusive birds I had been trying to identify, and was able to get good markings to possibly identify them. I immediately looked them up in my bird book and discovered they were the Northern Flickers. I did an article on this for a submission to one of the magazines, that got rejected.

The blooming of the Daffodils

Spring opened up to us with spring flowers, lust green pastures and hillsides, birds singing, and butterflies feeding on the flower nectar.

The Purple Lilacs that bloomed in Spring also brought the beautiful Tiger swallowtail butterflies.

There are many things I left out of our winter story that I may come back to. But for now, this is it.

During our winter camp I experienced many challenges and with many mental difficulties. I enjoyed my time with the boys, and with the beauty of nature’s wonders in winter’s renewal during this time. It was also a time of learning tolerance towards others.